Enjoy the weekly bundle, direct from my playlist.
Have you ever seen a gray moon?
Not just the color,
Sort of overcast, hanging sadly in the shadows of the night,
It illuminates nothing, and yet it still gives off a pitiful puff of light
Like the end of the last drag of a wilting cigarette.
Lifeless, dull, dreary, weathered
Smudged glass reflecting fingerprints
Yellowing newspapers crinkled in a scrapbook
Quietly standing by, observing the night
From the corner of a barren room,
Perhaps a musty-scented basement?
Perspective can change its appearance and
The moon can illuminate -White! Harvest! Yellow! Shining!
But not tonight
Not in this season
It is just gray.
I can relate.
I never thought I would be the kind of person to celebrate the mass destruction of other living things. However, this fall I am eagerly anticipating the desolation of the unreal amount of mosquitos living in our midst. No doubt, this coming seasonal extermination will probably be my favorite thing about this October, other than the beautiful leaves and crisp autumn air. Beauty and destruction; a rigid dichotomy.
Life sometimes moves fast, but this fall has been… just, WHOA.
I asked my husband this week, “In our entire 18 plus years together, have you ever felt this busy before? I mean, can you really remember a time in our lives when we had this many demands on us – had this much crammed into our schedules and our daily lives?” He glanced over nonchalantly and said….”I don’t feel that busy, really.” And he meant it. And my jaw dropped.
Crisp autumn air is not quite here yet, but I can feel it coming, just like Phil Collins.
Someone needs to get these apple cider donuts out of my house, stat! Who the heck thought I would have the willpower to resist their sugary goodness when I purchased this 12 pack from the pumpkin farm?! I see now that I was lying to myself, full at the time off an ice cold beer and fresh, buttery corn on the cob. As I polished off my 4th donut today, I thought ‘Wow, I cannot be contained. Hello, Fall leggings and baggy sweatshirts!”
Pardon the rant tonight, fair warning you guys. For the love of all that is good in the world, SEND ME SOME PATIENCE TODAY… PLEASE!?
As a boy mom, I have a quiet but vast knowledge of all the best superheroes, video games, and fart jokes. My home is always loud and always crazy, then at night it fades to the quiet sweetness of cuddly, sleeping angels. I gaze at them most nights for at least a couple of minutes each while they sleep, just before turning in myself. Their sweet deep breaths are a refreshing peace after long, eventful days. I am done having biological children of my own, but I know I am not done with this mothering gig.
Whether it ends up being pups, cats, kids, or giraffes… I love to feel needed, to care of others. I think I would like to foster children in the next several years if at all possible. As much as I sometimes complain, recently I have noticed that this complaining is a lot less frequent. As these boys have grown, their reliance upon me has changed. With increased freedom and independence myself, I am starting to enjoy and appreciate them more. I feel like the first couple years of motherhood are just a really difficult test of survival skills, peppered in with sweet moments of baby cuddles. While wonderful in their own way, for me these baby years were not all sustaining. I love the interaction, the give and take, in the relationships our family enjoys now. I love the silliness and the quirky personalities that are developing. I love seeing these guys take on new challenges and learn new skill sets.
My first grader had his first spelling and math tests this week. He is learning (age-appropriate of course) about 9-11 and asking big kid questions that I find exhilarating to be able to discuss with him. He wrote an actual love letter tonight to a girl in his class and proudly showed it to me, asking for my feedback. My preschooler is learning how to play practical jokes… today he purposefully left a fake doggy poo and a fake bug on my desk while I was on lunch break, then giggled furiously when I came back to work and saw them. He now tells me all the time, “I love you Mama, you are so silly!” This kind of stuff to me is what little giggles are to you baby lovers out there.
I am so grateful to be their mom, and they have made me a less selfish person by somehow softening my sharply pointed anxiety and depression. They are forgiving, even when I start the day grumpy and crabby (cough cough, today, cough). We are learning to apologize to each other. Though I am not perfect, they don’t need me to be. They need to me to be real and present each day, warts and all. They see their dad and I occasionally bicker – but always make up, usually by laughing. These kids see us show up to help with their classroom, listen to endless Minecraft stories, and coach their soccer team. I watch them watching us. I find it fascinating that sometimes I can see them learning from our everyday lives together in real-time, and evolving with their imperfect parents into weird little wonderous humans.
We are all a work in progress, aren’t we? When we are young it is so easy to say, “I would never do that” or “This is right and that is wrong” or “I would never want this or that”. Things change, we change, life changes, as I have discussed previously (Perspective on Change). When I look back over how things have come to be so far, I am glad I didn’t know what would happen or where we would go. (You Just Never Know) Because where we are now, is right where we need to be. On the couch writing, checking our fantasy football scores, practicing spelling, laughing at AFV on the tv, cracking fart jokes, and cuddling with popcorn. Does life get any better than this? I think not.
Some of my favorite covers on the playlist this week. Happy Friday!
My 6-year-old son is many things… funny, sweet, silly, loving, smart. He is also recently becoming a world-class liar. I don’t know whether to be disappointed or proud of his gumption, honestly.