I bet most of the millions of bloggers out there in the world felt an almost overwhelming fear when they go live with their first blog post. I sure feel that way now.
Whom among us likes to feel fearful, step out of their comfort zone, dare to chance an utterly embarrassing failure? NOT ME! Oh sure, there are those few daring souls that thrive on the thrill of possibility. Again, they are most definitely not me.
I am a planner, a thinker, a director. I implement carefully chosen and carved out decisions so as to completely avoid loss, disappointment, or oversight. Malfunction, break down, crash, doom, defeat, catastrophe, megaflop, washout, dud, failure. All words to describe what I aim to avoid with my gorgeous planner, multi-colored pens, and dry erase calendar. I always wear my seat belt and I never pass cars on a two lane road. In college I knew which classes I would need for the subsequent semesters mapped out like a treasure chest. I would never go sky diving and when I get the heebie jeebies I listen to my gut, avoiding whatever silly superstition I am thinking of at the time. Even if that is going outside at night in the dark. Because I just watched Stranger Things. And… vampires, yo.
That said, I also take calculated risks. I have changed career paths and jobs at times in my life when I thought, “There just has to be something more than this”. I went back to nursing school at 29 when the field of social services was burning me out and I struggled with what to do with my life. I left my first nursing job at the children’s acute inpatient psych hospital that I loved for just the hope of having a second baby, after obtaining better insurance coverage for IVF. I then left that incredibly challenging, stressful, well paid, oh-so-amazing benefits gig for the chance at a better work/life balance, even though I left an amazing group of friends and coworkers. Thank goodness I made all of those choices. They have led me to where I am today, and I am so freaking grateful.
As I look back, I still consider myself to be a relatively conservative person in regards to risk. However, I also look back and see a woman who was not afraid. Okay, okay. I WAS afraid. But as I greeted the fear, I did not let it overpower or paralyze me. I faked it til I felt it – that confidence that I admire in so many of my colleagues and former co-workers. I pretended that I possessed it. And by just conveying that I could do those things, I actually did them.
In a flurry of about two days this month, I launched a website, started writing short articles, and declared myself a “REAL WRITER”. I can not tell you exactly why, but my family and husband accepted what I told them, and have been supporting me all along. They are positive about my stuff, and encouraging. Maybe they are faking it til they feel it, too. BUT if I have learned anything from my past history with fear, it is this. Good things do not come to those who are too scared to try. Good things come to those who get their tired, “too old”, terrified 30 (plus five) year old butt off the couch and try something new. And if good things do not come to said 30 year old, then that will be okay too. Failure is a great teacher.